The gift of children

“In the eternal perspective, children-not possessions, not position, not prestige-are our greatest jewels.” --Ezra Taft Benson

I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. I know that my capacity to love has increased with each child that has come to our family. I have especially noticed this over the past year and a half of raising Abby – I think she is the most beautiful baby girl in the world. She may be headstrong and determined, she may scowl often, but I simply and completely and totally adore her.

The other night when I laid her in bed I started crying just because I love her so, so much. There are no words to describe that kind of love. I just have to pick her up and squeeze her and grit my teeth several times a day. I agree with one of my great grandmas who said she wore out two sets of false teeth, because her kids were so cute.

My mother in law, a mother of fourteen children, told me once when I was a young mother that when you have each child, your love isn’t divided, it multiplies. I didn’t know how true that was then, but I do now.

I remember when Aliysa was 9 months old and I was shocked to find out that I was expecting another baby (what! We were going to wait at least two years between each baby!) I laid on my bed and cried and cried because she was still so little, and I felt sure that I would never be able to love another baby as much as I loved Aliysa. But here’s a memory that will always be etched in my mind: When Jace was born, I had an experience that I’ve never had with any other baby. The doctor held him up, and I knew instantly that I had already known Jace for a long time. It was a feeling of “oh, it’s Jace!” I recognized and loved him completely and totally in a split-second.

I think I started out with all sorts of ideas of how my children would be, what kind of a parent I would be, and how many children I wanted to have. Bob and I planned to have a large family - six children! We would wait for a year before trying to have a baby, and then we would space our children about two years apart. We thought that we had a great plan.

It is impossible to explain all the experiences that have changed our outlook on rearing children, it has been a sacred and personal journey that Bob and I have experienced, but one of the main quotes that changed our minds about having a family was from Spencer W. Kimball:

“Come home, wives, to your children, born and unborn. Wrap the motherly cloak about you and, unembarrassed, help in a major role to create bodies for the immortal souls who anxiously wait.”
I read that quote in the book “The Teachings of Ezra Taft Benson” that I was reading on the bus on my way to and from work each day, and I just knew that I was supposed to come home to my “unborn” children. I mentioned it to Bob, but of course, he didn’t see how we could afford to have me quit work.

So, I continued to study, and started writing down more quotes in a little spiral notebook. One day I left it on our bed. Bob came home from work and innocently picked it up and began reading. And then, the moment that changed our lives. He came out with the notebook in hand, and said in a sheepish tone of voice “well, it’s pretty clear, isn’t it?!”

We were lucky enough to be blessed monetarily almost immediately after we made this decision. Bob got a much better job, and soon we realized the truth of this statement:

“Love realizes his sweetest happiness and his most divine consummation in the home where the coming of children is not restricted, where they are made most welcome, and where the duties of parenthood are accepted as a co-partnership with the eternal Creator.” --David O. McKay

We continued researching and found over 14 pages of quotes from our church leaders about birth control and having children. This led to a life-changing decision to have as many children as God wants us to. I would be lying if I said that I’ve never doubted that decision, but God has patiently helped re-confirm that decision for me on numerous occasions.

“Of course, it will be harder to get your college degrees or your financial starts with a family, but strength like yours will be undaunted in the face of difficult obstacles. Have your family as the Lord intended. Of course it is expensive, but you will find a way, and besides, it is often those children who grow up with responsibility and hardships who carry on the world and its work. And…do not limit your family as the world does.

… When you have fully complemented your husband in home life and borne the children, growing up full of faith, integrity, responsibility, and goodness, then you have achieved, your accomplishments supreme, without peer, and you will be the envy through time and eternity of your sisters who have spent themselves in selfish pursuits.” –Spencer W. Kimball

“It is the duty of every righteous man and woman to prepare tabernacles for all the spirits they can."

-- Brigham Young

‘Latter-day Saints take literally the command of the Lord to the first couple: "Multiply, and replenish the earth." (Genesis 1:28) …We understand that hosts of waiting spirits desire to come on earth through our lineage. We know that the family is the unit of heavenly society; and that the greatest gift of God is to give His children the opportunity of continuing family relationships throughout the eternities. Gospel doctrine should make every Latter-day Saint married couple eager for the privilege and obligations of parenthood. And they should have the faith and trust that the Lord will provide the means for obeying His law.” –John A. Widstoe

I certainly am not sharing these personal thoughts to condemn anyone who has less children than us. This is such a personal and sacred decision. I also do not want to hurt anyone who hasn’t been able to have as many children as they would like to have. One person who I have been thinking of and grieving for a lot lately is one of my best friends who just had her ninth miscarriage. I can only try to imagine the heartache that must come when you want a baby so much, and you lose that baby, or many babies.

I simply want to share this because it has been on my mind so much, and also for anyone who may have wondered why on earth we have so many children, or wondered how many children we are going to have.

I also want to happily announce that we are going have another new baby come to our home next June.

Sometimes the responsibility of raising all these little ones is completely overwhelming, I used to wonder why God would be willing to send so many children to such an imperfect mother as me. That thought changed when I realized that each child that comes to our home always receives love, food, shelter, and is taught the gospel. Anything else above that is a bonus, but I’m sure there are lots of spirits that would just love to come to a home where they could have those four things.

“Don't think you will love the later ones less or have fewer material things for them. Perhaps, like Jacob, you might love the eleventh one most. Young folk, have your family, love them, sacrifice for them, teach them righteousness, and you will be blessed and happy all the days of your eternal lives.” --Spencer W. Kimball

We are happy to know that another spirit will be a part of our family soon.

Just when you think you know it all

Well, sometimes I begin to think that I am a pretty experienced mother who knows a thing or two about parenting. Take potty training for instance. I decided after the ordeal of potty training my two oldest that I would take the advice of my sister-in-law, Bet, and wait until the child begged to be potty trained. It worked like a charm. All my children after that would potty train themselves in less than a day, because they were the ones who wanted to do it. No treats, bribes, begging, sweat, or tears.

Then along comes Andrew. It's amazing how a child who so completely captures your heart can also challenge every parenting technique you have developed.

Andrew has not had any desire whatsoever to be potty trained. None. So, after realizing that he was too big to fit in his diapers any more, and he wasn't getting any younger, I announced about two weeks ago that he would stop wearing diapers on Monday. He pretended to be on board with this idea on Saturday, and most of Sunday.

When Monday morning arrived, I put the "big boy" unders on him, and explained the new details of his life using the toilet. About an hour later, he had a crisis in his life. I've never experienced the like of it.

He decided that he needed to go to the bathroom, but he wanted a diaper. When I had him use the toilet instead, he ran to the diaper cupboard (which had been emptied of diapers), and began wailing "I'm a BABY!!! I need dipaaaaaaaahsss!" (Spoken in a baby voice) We tried to tell him that he was a big boy and he didn't need diapers any more. To which he responded with only one word: "Diiiiiaaaapaaahs!" Over, and over.

How on earth do you motivate a child with that attitude? I now had a dilemma on my hands. I knew if I gave in and let him wear diapers, I would probably be sending him off to college with a box of Huggies, but if I continued trying to convince him, it would probably be a lost cause. "He has to be motivated to do this", I told myself. "If he's this hysterical, he'll never use the toilet!" What to do?

I finally took his little tear stained face in both of my hands, looked him in the eyes, and explained to him that it was okay if he was a baby, but some babies know how to use the toilet. I told him that Aliysa was only 1 when she learned to use the toilet (I left out the fact that it took her probably the next three years to fully recover from the trauma of early potty training.)

Well, he perked up and went to play and has told me almost every time he has needed to use the toilet. I am simply astounded. He's doing great.

Another odd fact is that he is even staying dry at night. Andrew is the best sleeper I've ever known. I am not exaggerating when I say that he has probably only awakened in the night probably five times in his whole life. Even when he's sick, he sleeps until morning. Each night when he is tired, he lays down, scrunches his eyes shut, and lays there until he is asleep. I am convinced that this attribute of his was a gift to me, coming close on the heels of a trial for me of having the worst sleeper on the face of the earth (Zachary). Anyway, I was just sure that he would sleep way too deep to ever stay dry. I am happy to have been proven wrong.

So, wahoo! I am puzzled but extremely pleased. And I promise not to share details about children's bathroom habits on this blog, at least very often.