Our Christmas Announcement.

We had a beautiful Christmas.  We realized that this may be our last Christmas with all of our children at home.  Aliysa is planning on serving a mission when she turns 19 in August.  Jace will leave the next year.  So, we made the most of it and enjoyed our time together.  I had time to reflect on how my priorities have changed.  Many things that used to seem so important to have a successful holiday are things that I just can't get around to now that life is busier.  But those aren't the things that matter the most.

On Christmas morning, our children came downstairs to see new Christmas stockings.  I've wanted matching ones for our whole family for a long time.  And there were 12 of them...the kids thought the last one in line was for the dog, then thought it might be Taycie's.  She looked inside to see newborn diapers, onesies, and an ultrasound picture of our new little one.  Mallory exploded into excitement.  (She wants a new baby so much!)

Taycie holding up a newborn diaper and declaring "Diapers!  I got diapers for my dolly!"

I feel like I should share some of the story of this little one's life.  It is already amazing to me.

After going through a miscarriage, molar pregnancy, and choriocarcinoma last year, I was ready to never be pregnant again.  After finding out in January 2013 that I was cancer free, my oncologist said to wait at the very least 6 months, but preferably a year before conceiving.  Bob and I weren't sure that our family was complete, but I sure felt fine waiting at least a year.  As time went on, I became pretty ready to move into a new phase of life.  Aliysa started college, and I thought that sounded like a great milestone, a time to be done having children.  I gave away all the baby clothes, crib, maternity clothes, nursing pump, baby bathtub, etc...etc... (Wow, it was a lot of stuff!) Note: I don't regret giving it away, it felt great to dejunk and it was so fun to give the clothes to friends/family and then see their children wearing them.  There were a few outfits I couldn't part with, so I kept those in a keepsake box. 

The most difficult trials of my life seem to have all piled up in the last two years, in almost every area of my life.  Trials that I can talk about, and trials that are personal.  Even though I kept busy and tried to keep a smile on my face, I was often completely overcome with discouragement, fear, and worry.  All the ambitions and energy that I've had in the past seemed gone.  2012 was kind of a "survival mode" (along with moments of joy, blessing, and happiness of course), but coming out of the survival mode and dealing with all my emotions has been extremely hard this year.

Raising 9 children seemed like more than I could usually handle, and so I came to the conclusion that even after the year was up, I'd probably not try to have more children.  I figured if God wanted to send another baby, he could always "sneak" one in.

Always, always before our answer to prayers about our family size has been to have as many as God will send us, and to not prevent them from coming.  Why, I don't know.  I know there are lots of couples who want to have more children who can't, so sometimes I'm puzzled as to why we are meant to have a large family.  I know that the mother's health is one reason church leaders say that we can limit our families.  And my mental and physical strength has lots of times seemed rather lacking.   Neither Bob or I really feel like "big family parents".  We can't stand noise, disorder, or chaos.  But we do love each of our children so much, and I'm very grateful that I am able to love them so completely.

A few months ago I had a very vivid dream.  My children and I were spending time with a very dysfunctional family.  There were lots of details about the dream that bothered me, and as I slowly awoke, the message came into my mind really clearly "if you want to prevent having children for your convenience, that is your choice.  But if you do, you will most likely be sending spirits to live in a home like that."  Suddenly the fear of miscarriage, worries about another molar pregnancy, and the aches and pains of carrying and bearing another child seemed so much less than the what the pain would be of knowing that I had sent a spirit to be raised in a home without the gospel, or a home where they might be abused or neglected.

Shortly afterwards, a friend who I hadn't talked to in a long time just happened to e-mail me some quotes from church leaders about having children.  I had read some of them, but most of them had been pushed to the back of my mind.  Others were new, and just rang true to my heart.   

"...We know that every spirit assigned to this earth will come, whether through us or someone else. There are couples...who will someday suffer the pains of remorse when they meet the spirits that might have been part of their posterity. The first commandment given to man was to multiply and replenish the earth with children (Genesis 1:28). That commandment has never been altered, modified, or cancelled. The Lord did not say to multiply and replenish the earth if it is convenient, or if you are wealthy, or after you have gotten your schooling, or when there is peace on earth, or until you have four children. The Bible says, "Lo, children are an heritage of the Lord and . . . Happy is the man that hath his quiver full of them" (Psalm 127:3, 5). We believe God is glorified by having numerous children and a program of perfection for them. So also will God glorify that husband and wife who have a large posterity and who try to raise them up in righteousness." - Ezra T. Benson

We still planned to wait until January to try again, but this baby came a bit earlier.   I've had lots of little miracles to ease my mind.  And I've needed a lot of comfort.  Almost immediately, I felt horrible - nausea, super low energy, mind fog, and a dark cloud of discouragement that just wouldn't leave.  I can't describe how difficult it's been this time.  But on the other hand, we've been so blessed.

The day after I took the pregnancy test, Zach walked in to our room for morning scripture study and said "I had a dream that you told me that we were going to have a baby (girl)."

Later, when I started to worry so much that something was wrong with this pregnancy, Bob gave me a priesthood blessing that counseled me to think back to the dream that Zach had.  And just this week, I found out that a group of Stake Leaders were prompted to pray for me, along with other members of our stake who need special prayers. Their prayers have lifted me out of the dark fog.  I've started feeling better this week.  Another blessing is that my Dad's life was spared this month.  It would have been horrible to lose him.  We've also been the recipients of so much kindness lately.  I want to be the one doing kind and amazing things for others.  Instead, I am just trying to make small baby steps each day and give love to my children.  Thank you to all of the amazing friends and family who enrich our family's lives and do many things that I just can't do.  It seems like someone always steps forward somehow to fill needs that my children have.

So far, the pregnancy seems to be progressing normally.  My doctor ordered an early ultrasound when we couldn't even detect a heartbeat yet, just to look for any signs of molar growths.  At that point, we could only see the sac, but it was the right size and it looked normal.  I had another a few weeks ago, and we got to see our little baby and see that it had a normal heartbeat, measured the right size, and everything looked good.  The next milestone will be a detailed ultrasound at 12 weeks to look closely at the placenta.  If there is no abnormal growths visible, then everything should be fine.

I'm already falling in love with this little person - I can feel the strength of its spirit and desire to come to earth.  I know our family is not perfect and I am far from being a perfect Mom, but I do know that this baby will be incredibly loved, have its physical needs taken care of, and be taught the gospel.  I wish every child in the world could have those blessings.

Read more about our family's decision to have a large family:  http://bobntashalamfam.blogspot.com/2009/10/gift-of-children.html

I know that our prompting to have more children is a very personal answer for us and that lots of other couples have different answers.  I would never ever judge someone by the size of their family.  When my children are married, my only bits of advice will be to make sure you make your decision prayerfully, and if you stop children from coming, make sure God is okay with it.  Oh, and never decide that you are finished having children while you are pregnant or for at least about 6 months after you give birth.  (I'm always "done" at that point!)

We are looking forward to welcoming this sweet new little one into our family at the end of July. It will be a very loved baby. 

These quotes have helped me focus on how important it is to raise a family:

"...those who have reared their families to honor God and keep his commandments will find their treasures not altogether here upon earth in mortality, but they will have their treasures when the celestial kingdom shall be organized on this earth, and those treasures will be their sons and daughters and descendants to the latest generation..." -George A. Smith

"About the throne of our Father are his children whose numbers are fixed and have not been changed or altered from the beginning...They have cried around the throne of the Father night and day for the privilege of coming into earth life, and they seek that opportunity today..." - Melvin J. Ballard

"...If it shall please the Lord to send to your home a goodly number of children, I hope, I pray, you will not deny them entrance. If you should, it would cause you infinite sorrow and remorse. One has said that he could wish his worst enemy no more hell than this, that in the life to come someone might approach him and say, "I might have come down...and done good beyond computation, but if I came at all I had to come through your home and you were not man enough or woman enough to receive me. You broke down the frail footway on which I must cross and then you thought you had done a clever thing." - Steven L. Richards

"You came to get for yourself a mortal body which could become perfected and immortalized, and you understood that you were to act in partnership with God in providing bodies for other spirits equally anxious to come to the earth for righteous purposes." - Spencer W. Kimball

"Don't think you will love the later ones less or have fewer material things for them. Perhaps, like Jacob, you might love the eleventh one most. Young folk, have your family, love them, sacrifice for them, teach them righteousness, and you will be blessed and happy all the days of your eternal lives." - Spencer W. Kimball

"It is worth practically any sacrifice to have those sweet spirits come into the home and to have them come early, that the parents might enjoy them for a longer period, that they might enjoy their parents for a longer period, and that the children might enjoy their grandparents for a longer period." -Ezra T. Benson

Thanks for this Thanksgiving

What a Thanksgiving Week.  On Tuesday evening I found out that my dad would be going in for surgery for his Aortic dissection early Wednesday morning.  I had been trying to decide whether to go down or not, and that made up my mind immediately.  We knew that this surgery was an extremely complicated and risky surgery and I wanted to see him before it happened.  I threw my stuff in a duffle bag and Bob and I headed down.  I'm so glad we did.  My dad wanted Bob to stay with him, and I was able to help my mom a little bit.

I think the doctors took time to slowly let us realize how amazingly complicated an aortic dissection is.  Dr. Schorlemmer told us that there is no injury to the body that is greater than this.  The aortic artery supplies blood, nutrients and oxygen to every part of the body.  Placing a graft inside this artery is very risky, but without the surgery my dad would have always run the risk of it splitting further which could cause death. 

After the 8 hour surgery, it is just a waiting game to see if all the systems of the body are going to function normally.  Everything was without proper oxygen and blood for a long time.  The first day they were worried about paraplegia.  He did have loss of leg function for a while, but he is slowly regaining it.  He has to strain with all his might to wiggle the toes on his left leg.  His right leg has more movement.

Watching my father suffer memory loss has been difficult.  This electrical engineer whose daily reading includes topics like atomic theory can't remember what 7 x 8 is.  He couldn't tell us who the president of the U.S. is without a choice between two options.  He asked Bob to read the Book of Mormon to him, and Bob asked where he would like him to read from.  "Chapter 18," he replied.  Bob asked him which book, and he had no concept that there are different books in the Book of Mormon.  He is improving though.  All this is really normal after such a long surgery.

His kidneys are operating amazingly well.  We're waiting to see if his gut and digestive system will function. 

My dad has never taken a prescription drug that I know of.  But, he'll be on blood pressure medicines and medicines to slow his heart rate for the rest of his life.  He is willing and grateful for all that the doctors are doing.  He will never be able to do intense exercise again. 

This week was long and stressful.  Bob and I were away from our children for Thanksgiving.  But my heart is so grateful.

• My Dad is alive.  I love him and am so grateful for that. 
• His surgery went really well - they were able to put the graft in from his heart down to his groin, and the area below that looks like it will be all right.  They had talked about doing 2 or 3 surgeries, but right now it looks like the one surgery will be enough.  
• His paraplegia was temporary.  He still has really limited mobility, but we're so thankful for those small leg movements.
• Lots of friends made my children's Thanksgiving so special.  They had two Thanksgiving dinners, and pie at another home.  They had lots of other offers to spend Thanksgiving with other friends.  I don't think I am ever that thoughtful.  I need to change that!  
• Our backyard neighbors were going to their relative's home for Thanksgiving, but the Mom felt a prompting the day before to prepare an entire Thanksgiving dinner even though it would be way too much food for their family.  Then when she heard that we were gone, she was ready to invite our children over for a Thanksgiving lunch before going to her relatives for dinner.  Our children literally went "over the river and through the woods" for Thanksgiving.  I think they were almost glad that we were gone.  They got to make their own schedule, spend time with friends, and rent movies. 
• My dad is improving.  He is strong and determined and optimistic.  
• My mom has had enough strength to make it through this.  She does not have good health, but she has been sustained.  
• My brother mentioned that when he heard that dad's life was in danger, he was glad that he didn't feel like he needed to rush to his bedside to make amends.  They already have a good relationship.  I feel like my parents and my siblings all could say that we love each other and are on good terms.  We are all best friends.  What a rare blessing!

 For more information and updates on my Dad's condition, go to: http://emilhahn.blogspot.com

My Dad & Aortic Dissection

Our family had a real scare this week.  Sunday morning we got this e-mail from my Mom:

Hi Everyone,

It is 5:30 a.m.  Daddy and I have had a very long night.  I will start at the beginning:  Sat. evening at about 9:00 p.m.  We drove over to the church to print off the programs for Sunday.  Daddy had done some pushups a little earlier in the evening and he felt a little pain in his chest...nothing much at all.  We finished up in the library and headed home.  We got about halfway home and he said his back just all of a sudden started hurting really badly.  He pulled over to the side of the road and got out of the car and fell on his knees on the grass by the side of the road.  It took all we had to get him in the car and drive him the rest of the way home. When we got home he was in excruciating pain.  I had to move his legs out of the car and then he fell down and couldn't get up or get in the house. He just laid on the driveway. I called 911.  The ambulance came.  He felt one pinch better when they got him in bed.  He was as white as a sheet.  They checked his vital signs and everything seemed o.k. but he just said that his back hurt really badly (a little below the shoulder blades). They did an EKG and that seemed normal. He seemed to be doing a little better and they said to call if he seemed to get worse. After doing all they could, they left. Well, he had to go to the bathroom and that ended up putting him in excruciating pain again.  He said his legs were going numb.  911 got another call. They gave him morphine for the pain.

They took him to American Fork Hospital where they did a CT scan and found that he had a torn aorta.  They started giving him statins like crazy to lower his blood pressure and more morphine.  Then they transported him by ambulance to St. Mark's Hospital in S.L.  I followed doing 85 mph.

I got him checked in and then they made me wait in a waiting room until they would come and get me.  All of a sudden I heard that there was a code blue in room 14 (his room)  people came rushing in...about 15 in all.  All this time I wasn't allowed to go in the room.  After a while a religious advisor came in with a "you poor thing" look on her face.  She said, "Your husband has taken a turn for the worse."  Then I knew that code blue meant full cardiac arrest and my first thought was..."they caused this by all the statins they gave him!"

She just sat there looking at me with great empathy.  I finally said, "Is he dead?" "Oh, no, she said but he went in to full cardiac arrest and they are working on him.  I said, "Oh good, because I believe he will be o.k." (The elders had given him a blessing that he would be able to bear the pain that he would go through and that he could get the help that he needed and that it would be temporary). She tried to comfort me but , honestly, I said, "Really, I'm fine." (which I really was except that I kind of felt weak and shaky).

After a while, Dr. Thorne, the cardiac surgeon came out and said, "Your husband is fine but he went into cardiac arrest from all the statins that they were giving him to lower his blood pressure."  ...The tear in his aorta is called an Aortic dissection..

To make a long story a little shorter, he will be in the hospital for 4 to 5 days.  They will treat his condition with blood pressure medication (which probably would have prevented this if we would have done something about his high blood pressure earlier).  At this point, they don't plan to operate and repair the dissection with mesh..the plan is to see how he does unless he gets worse and just treat it with medication and rest.

I know I don't need to say that we need your prayers for him.

love,
Mom

________________________________________________________

I've copied most of this from my sister Lisa's blog
 

Update from Lisa: 
"We are here at the hospital. Dad is stable but he looks worn out and pale. I heard dad say he will definitely be taking the blood pressure medication after this ordeal. He said he doesn't want to experience that pain again. 

Dad did say he ate bits of his soup and some peaches. Mom ate half a sandwich. So I am happy to report they are eating. 

The nurse that mom and I talked to made it clear that the "dissection" will not heal. It will just have to be managed via medication. The nurse said dad isn't currently on pain meds because his blood pressure is much lower and therefore not causing the back pain. He does feel the pain every once in a while like when he turns on his side or hiccups."

Dad's blood pressure fluctuates between 140 and 115 (on the top) the bottom number is right around 60. The nurse said it needs to stay around 120 or below. It seems to lower when he's closing his eyes and resting.

There is something very odd about seeing your own dad in a hospital bed. It's not fun. He's always been the one to take care of me when I've been hurt or when I am not feeling well. I hope he has a full recovery and that everything will be ok.

Read more about Aortic Dissection here:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aortic_dissection

________________________________________________________

11/25/13 at 1:14 pm (Again, from Lisa)

I just got an update on Dad. The Dr. said the CT scan this morning looked about the same which is good, it hasn't gotten worse. They are still working on stabilizing his blood pressure with different meds before they let him go home.

Dad is hoping to go home soon. He had a an uncomfortable night last night. He was cold until they finally brought in some blankets and his lower back is starting to hurt from laying on his back all day. He is also having a hard time swallowing and he said everything tastes awful. Mom said she tasted what he was eating and she said it wasn't that bad so she is thinking the meds are affecting his taste. Mom said he is still just really worn out. 

He is also still bleeding a little bit on his neck. He said the IV's hurt when they come and clean them.

Both mom and dad appreciate everyone's prayers. 

________________________________________________________

11/25/13 at 10:45 pm

I just got back from the hospital. Dad is definitely in need of prayers at this point. He's just so uncomfortable in that hospital bed. He's uncomfortable yet it is hard for him to move but he keeps trying to change his position. It was difficult for me to see him tonight in the state that he is in. Not only is he uncomfortable but he is having a hard time thinking clearly because of the morphine they gave him earlier today. He has a hard time thinking of words and sometimes he just says things that makes no sense at all. He can sort of tell that he is struggling to think and then he gets frustrated when he can't remember a word or finish his thought. He just looks really worn out and he's shaky and weak.

I'm really worried about him tonight. I hope he can get some sleep. He really would like to go home. He's tired of all the IV's and cords that he is hooked up to. The hospital bed is so uncomfortable to him. They were able to get him up for just a little bit today and he also said they sat him up on the bed for a while which is good.

His blood pressure was lower tonight. Around 110, but he is still on the IV meds. He still needs to be stable enough to take him off the IV and do well on just oral meds. 

He also keeps hiccuping for some odd reason and it is very uncomfortable to him when he does. His throat hurts too and it is difficult for him to swallow. He also got a bloody nose earlier today from the oxygen he's hooked up to. They now have a humidifier attached. 

________________________________________________________

 

I feel so bad for my Dad.  It is rough for him to go through this.  He has enjoyed good health almost his whole life.

I am so grateful that he is still with us.  My brother shared that 40% of all people who have an aortic dissection die immediately, and there is almost no chance of surviving for an hour without medical care.  My Dad defied the odds.  I think it is pretty macho that this happened while he was doing pushups at age 71.  And that he didn't die from it.  He has had a wonderful and full life, but we want it to last years longer!

My Dad and Me when I was about 2

My Dad when he served in the Air Force

Gymnastics Team at BYU

My Dad and Mom on their wedding day

And years later at my sister's wedding

We love you Dad! 

Blogging again!

I can't promise that I'll be super consistent, but I am finally going to start blogging after one of the busiest summers and fall semesters of school we've ever had in our lives.  I'm not sure where to start, it seems silly to post pictures from last summer when it's starting to snow outside.  But this is a journal of sorts, so here we go.  Another reason I stopped blogging is because I have too many pictures downloaded to iPhoto, and my computer memory is full.  I'm slowly uploading all these pictures to Picasa, and then burning them on disks, so hopefully I'll be better about posting.

Really, I've just never been so busy and lately just so overwhelmed with life!  I'm cutting a lot out of our schedule for the upcoming year so I can manage it a little better.  But it has been a fun whirlwind for a while.


Summer...

Mallory and Zachary were part of the "Hope of America" choir for the local Celebration of Liberty

We had a super fun family reunion with the Hahn family

 It was so fun having the cousins all together!  Being spread between Massachusetts & Washington State is no fun.  We wish we all lived closer.

The four siblings

!

 We hiked to Timpanogos cave.  It was a long hot hike - over 100 degrees until we got inside the cave where it was a nice 45 degrees.   I wish I had a picture of Tara - she hiked holding a baby strapped to the front of her, and her five year old son riding piggy back. She is the bionic woman.  

Also-  not to forget my parents and aunt Christie who also hiked all the way.  Amazing!

 We swam a lot in Grandma & Grandpa's neighborhood pool

We also had fireworks, delicious homemade food by my Mom (including about 5 types of homemade health food cookies & homemade ice cream), and lots of laughs and great memories. 

What else?

Scout camp, High Adventure, and Cub Scout day camp (no pictures of those).  Jace went to Eastern Oregon University for a football camp, we went to swim camp (I do have pictures of that, I'll post them next), Bob went to Washington and Texas for business trips....lots more pictures to come.

Mallory had Activity Days day camp

Aliysa studied all summer and got straight A's. Right now she's in the middle of Fall semester online, and looking forward to her on campus Winter/Spring track.  I'm so proud of the hard work she's put in. 

I am trying to find out how to get pictures from Bob's family reunion.  We rented a campsite and had a blast.  

One year ago...

Last year on July 31, I was taking a blood test.  I did not know that within two days I would be told that I probably had cancer. I didn't know the journey that I was about to embark on.  

I missed the phone call from the nurse on August 1, 2012, but her words and tone of voice from her phone message made me worry.  When I talked to her on August 2, I was informed that my hcg levels were rising rapidly, a sign that my molar pregnancy had turned into choriocarcinoma, a cancer that my oncologist described as the fastest growing type of cancer there is. I went in for a chest x-ray that day, met with my doctor, and was referred to our wonderful oncologist.   

I am grateful for the lessons I learned over the next 6 months.  Cancer turned out to be one of the greatest blessings of my life.  However, I'm sure glad it is behind me.  

 

Surgery for the molar pregnancy

Some of the first bottles of juice...to be repeated daily.

 Funny...I still like salad and carrot juice

The first round of supplements.  These changed over the next 6 months

Weekly blood tests.  I still go in every 4 weeks.  Now it really hurts because of the scar tissue.

A salad made by Aliysa.

More salad...thank goodness I love salad.

The daily ritual...grateful for great helpers!

Turning orange

Jan 2013 - Cancer free celebration dinner - salmon, salad, & carrot juice!

  I want to share with others the fact that I am sure of - Heavenly Father has created foods and helped people find supplements that can nourish our bodies while killing or starving cancer cells.  Having cancer can be a time to focus on healing and health.  Of course, there can be a lot of fear, worry, and exhaustion.  But for me, I learned about strength that I never knew I had.  

Today... 1 year later, I'm feeling happy & healthy & grateful.

And looking forward to Jan 2014 - when I will be cancer free for 1 year.

A Builder Poem

If you're not sure you measure up...

This is a must read article for Moms.  I've been praying lately to make each moment special with my children and not let myself feel frustrated and irritable because of some unreachable ideal.  This post was a great reminder.

http://www.halfahundredacrewood.com/2012/05/if-youre-not-sure-you-measure-up.html

Off to spend time with my kids!

Life with little girls

Taycie & Cousin Matthew on the 4th of July

Recent Conversations:
Saturday evening I was trimming Taycie's nails.
Taycie: "Mom!  I need my fingownails...Jesus send them to me."

Tonight.  Abby was laying on my bed and we were having all sorts of long conversations.
Abby:  I'm going to marry Ziggy Ansah.
Me:  Well, he's a lot older than you.
Abby:  Well, I'm going to marry him.
Me:  Okay, but he might get married before you are old enough to get married.
Abby:  I'm going to marry him when I'm 15.
Me:  Um, no you're not.
Abby:  Some girls can get married when they are 15.
Me:  How about when you are 20 or older?
Abby:  Mom! There are lots of moms who let their girls get married when they are like...13.
Me:  Well, I am not one of those Moms.
Abby:  You used to say that we could get married when we were only 19.
Me:  But then I realized that 19 is just so young.
Abby:  It is only 1 year less than 20!  Why can't you be a Mom that lets us get married when we are 13?  I am going to marry Ziggy Ansah.

Happy Birthday to You!

 Taycie had a fun day yesterday.  She loved it when we would sing happy birthday to her.

 Here is her birthday "cake", made by Aliysa.  All from fresh fruit.

 

We also enjoyed homemade ice cream, made in this machine that we gave to Bob for Father's Day.  It was made with just fresh raw milk & cream, honey, free range eggs, and vanilla.  Delicious!

 

Taycie had lots of help opening her presents.  Here everyone is trying to pop some bubbles.  

Before bed, during our "scripture, song, & prayer" time, we sang almost every version of happy birthday that we knew.  Taycie loved it and kept declaring "again!"

Bob is out of town, so he sent Taycie a cute birthday e-mail.  He traveled from Washington to Texas yesterday.