This week I had a miscarriage. Not the happy news that I like to post on our blog, but everyone does need to know that we are no longer expecting. I will try to not share uncomfortable details, but this will be most of my journal entry too, so I need to share a little bit about this experience.
Monday morning I woke up before 6 am and realized I was having a miscarriage. I've never had any problems with any of my pregnancies before, and it was a huge shock. I was devastated. This has been one of my worst fears, and I had always thought that I had kind of had a deal with God that this would never happen to me. There were some lessons I needed to learn, though.
I wanted to be alone, so I didn't even wake up Bob. I didn't know how to tell him. Heavenly Father knew I needed Bob though, and so when I tried turning on the faucet in the shower, it broke off in my hand. Bob had to be awakened to a very emotional wife and cold water spraying everywhere, poor guy. But he was able to talk to me, calm me down, and give me a priesthood blessing.
I know that the words in the blessing came from Heavenly Father. I am so thankful for a righteous husband and the priesthood in my home. In the blessing I was told that I would be happy and feel peace. I thought "But I don't want to feel
happy!". We were also promised that everything would be all right and I was assured that this experience would not limit the number of children that will come to our family. Both Bob and I felt peaceful after this blessing. We know that there is another child who wants to come to our family, and we know that it is all right if he or she comes a little later.
Of course, this didn't eliminate all the emotion or sadness that comes with the end of a pregnancy. The next day at the doctor, an ultrasound showed a fetus that was four weeks smaller than it should be. There was also a faint but very slow heartbeat. That was super hard for me, because the heartbeat gave me hope that we might still have a baby.
They couldn't tell us for sure if we were having a miscarriage, but they did a blood test, and I was supposed to come in for another blood test on Wednesday and then we would know for sure. It was kind of an emotional rollercoaster that day, but whenever I thought back to the feeling that we'd both had that this was just a pregnancy where things didn't form correctly, then I would feel more peaceful. Even so, it is hard to give up hope, especially when you are tired and in pain. They told us that if it was a miscarriage, they would give me two weeks for it to happen, and then recommend a D&C.
Tuesday morning I felt pretty good, and wondered what was going on. My kids went to music lessons and other commitments and I tried working on my lesson plans for the nature study & science classes that I was supposed to start teaching in our homeschool group the next day. I had a hard time focusing, but I just didn't know what to do.
In the afternoon my bleeding increased, and I knew that yes, this was a miscarriage for sure. It felt a lot like labor. It got worse and worse. I wasn't too smart, and I ignored the signs of hemorrhaging that the doctor had warned me to watch for. I thought that I still didn't feel too lightheaded, and I'd rather be home. I didn't realize how quickly things can change when you are bleeding too much.
In the evening, I was suddenly in extreme pain, almost passing out and throwing up in the bathroom. It was awful. Bob was trying to help me, and when he realized how much I had been bleeding, he got me ready to go to the hospital as quick as he could. I was as pale as could be. I was so out of it, that I was still saying "should we really go? I might be all right." He explained that he didn't want to wait an hour to find out that it was too late. He gave Aliysa a list of phone numbers to call to cancel his early morning seminary class that he was supposed to teach the next day, then carried me down to the car, and we headed to the Emergency Room.
The hours after that were filled with lots and lots of tests. The doctors were very concerned with my amount of blood loss. I was praying that they wouldn't immediately do a D&C if it wasn't necessary. They mentioned it, but they had to do so many tests first. A lot of the tests took longer than usual since it was the middle of the night.
We were so happy with our nurses and doctors. The ultrasound tech that was on call was so nice, even though she had to come back to the hospital right after she had gone home for the night. They were able to find a huge clot (or tissue) that may have been keeping everything from happening correctly. Once they removed that, I began to improve. After three different ultrasounds (one with over 63 pictures), they were able to assure me that the miscarriage was complete. They were very surprised when my blood count came back in the okay range. I think it may have been from all the greens supplements, Floradix, and chlorophyll that I had been taking all day. My bleeding finally slowed down and around 2 am they said I could choose whether to sleep at the hospital or go home. I went home.
When we got home, the house was spotlessly clean, and all the children were asleep in bed. What amazing children I have! Jace had made a huge (and I mean huge) pot of Chicken tortilla soup earlier in the day, so everyone had yummy food to eat. Zach had made my bed and put this note on it:
We exhaustedly fell asleep after 3am. I slept almost the entire day on Wednesday.
I am so thankful for the friends and family who let me talk to them through this experience, who loved us and prayed for us. How blessed we are to have you in our lives.
I am in amazed and humbled by the kindness shown to our family through meals delivered, homemade bread and jam, rides for our children, e-mails and phone calls, understanding about my classes being cancelled, and everything else. I know that bringing a meal to a family of eleven people is a huge task! It is such a help, because life gets hard for everyone when mom is out of commission. Thank you everyone!
I feel so grateful and amazed that my body was able to realize that something was wrong, and that I could miscarry completely in only two days. It is a miracle, really.
And I am so thankful for the peace I've felt through this. I am thankful that I am recovering. I am still very pale and lightheaded, and I've had massive headache for two days, but I'm starting to feel like life will get back to normal.
Andrew with his foam sword he got for Christmas. He's trying to look tough, but I just want to squeeze him. 
