The Lamoreaux Family: A True Pregnancy Test

Saturday, August 6, 2011

A True Pregnancy Test

PREGNANCY TEST ( how to know whether or not you are ready to have a baby)

- Stress Test
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flowerbed and rub the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

- Toy Test
Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the kitchen or bathroom. Do not scream (this could wake a child.)

- Grocery Store Test
Borrow a few small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

- Dressing Test
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.

- Feeding Test
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of baby food into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

- Night Test
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you know. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00AM. Set alarm for 5:00AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

- Physical Test (women)
Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10% of the beans.

- Physical Test (men)
Go to the nearest drugstore. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

- Final Assignment
Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

3 comments:

Gaylene and Emil said...: Thanks alot Tasha! I may never see a Kent grandchild if you keep sharing such information! You're not trying to tell us you're ready to be pregnant again are you????; August 7, 2011 at 12:18 PM
Rebecca said...: Ha Ha Ha! I was laughing so hard I almost started crying. This sounds about right and I don't even have children yet! Next time someone asks Nick and I why we don't have kids, I'm going to hand them a copy of this and simply explain that we failed the tests! ha ha ha; August 7, 2011 at 3:31 PM
Lisa said...: Yes that is right, Preston and I are certainly not ready for this. Nor are we going to be anytime soon.; August 8, 2011 at 8:55 PM

Fill the spiritual needs

“some parents become so expert at filling every physical desire for their children that they begin to suppose that all is well in this life and that their eternal stewardship is progressing right on schedule. … I believe that we must pause and take a careful inventory to determine how well our families are doing spiritually. We could ask how well are we feeding, nurturing, training, and exercising the spirits of our children; or how well have we taught, trained, loved, and inspired our children to build their spiritual muscles and strength? … Remember, eternity is now, not a vague, distant future. We prepare each day, right now, for eternal life. If we are not preparing for eternal life, we are preparing for something else, perhaps something far less.”

–M. Russell Ballard

Pray with your little ones

"Behold your little ones. Pray with them. Pray for them and bless them. The world into which they are moving is a complex and difficult world. They will run into heavy seas of adversity. They will need all the strength and all the faith you can give them while they are yet near you. And they also will need a greater strength which comes of a higher power. They must do more than go along with what they find.

They must lift the world, and the only levers they will have are the example of their own lives and the powers of persuasion that will come of their testimonies and their knowledge of the things of God. They will need the help of the Lord. While they are young, pray with them that they may come to know that source of strength which shall then always be available in every hour of need."

-Gordon B. Hinckley

Be Wise In Our Diet

“…let us consider our relationship with ourselves. We must each take proper care to see that the little things regarding our personal life are in order. We must learn to care for our health and our mental well-being. Do we maintain proper exercise to give us the energy and alertness of mind necessary to keep our spirit strong & our attitude positive? Are we wise in our diet? Do we avoid the unnourishing snack that might keep our stomach full but our health quite empty?

–Joseph B. Wirthlin, Finding Peace in Our Lives, p. 59

Turn it off, walk out...

Elder Jeffrey R. Holland:

“Tragically, the same computer and Internet service that allows me to do my family history and prepare those names for temple work could, without filters and controls, allow my children or grandchildren access to a global cesspool of perceptions that could blast a crater in their brains forever. . .

“Along with filters on computers and a lock on affections, remember that the only real control in life is self-control. Exercise more control over even the marginal moments that confront you. If a TV show is indecent, turn it off. If a movie is crude, walk out. If an improper relationship is developing, sever it. Many of these influences, at least initially, may not technically be evil, but they can blunt our judgment, dull our spirituality, and lead to something that could be evil. An old proverb says that a journey of a thousand miles begins with one step, so watch your step.” (Place No More For the Enemy of My Soul, April 2010)

Only a teacher

"If any parent needs added inspiration to commence his God-given teaching task, let him remember that the most powerful combination of emotions in the world is not called out by any grand cosmic events nor found in novels or history books—but merely by a parent gazing down upon a sleeping child. That glorious biblical passage, 'created in the image of God,' will acquire new and vibrant meaning as a parent repeats this experience. Home will become a haven called heaven, and loving parents will teach their children 'to pray, and to walk uprightly before the Lord.' (D&C 68:28.)"
--Thomas S. Monson

Quote

“Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on: you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently he starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of—throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were going to be made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. …”
--C. S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

Raise up patriots

The importance of teaching & training

"In 1904, President Joseph F. Smith said to parents: “Do not let your children out to specialists … , but teach them by your own precept and example, by your own fireside. Be a specialist yourself in the truth.

… Not one child in a hundred would go astray, if the home environment, example and training, were in harmony with the truth in the gospel of Christ, as revealed and taught to the Latter-day Saints.”

The ideal way to transform your home into a house of learning is to hold family home evening faithfully. The Church has reserved Monday evening for that purpose. In 1915, the First Presidency instructed local leaders and parents to inaugurate a home evening, a time when parents should teach their families the principles of the gospel.

The Presidency wrote: “If the Saints obey this counsel, we promise that great blessings will result. Love at home and obedience to parents will increase. Faith will be developed in the hearts of the youth of Israel, and they will gain power to combat the evil influence and temptations which beset them.”

President David O. McKay gave the same promise in 1965 and added that the youth will gain power “to choose righteousness and peace, and be assured an eternal place in the family circle of our Father.”

In 1976, the Presidency reaffirmed that “regular participation in family home evening will develop increased personal worth, family unity, love for our fellowmen, and trust in our Father in heaven.

Considering these glorious promises, we would expect every faithful member to be exceedingly diligent in following this prophetic counsel. But, of course, we are all human, and our best plans don’t always materialize. Why not? Let it not be for lack of commitment."

--Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin, Spiritually Strong Homes and Families

Our Health Duty

“I am grateful to understand that my physical body is an eternal component of my eternal soul, and that I have a duty to honor and respect and care for it, and to refrain from knowingly imposing upon it any treatment or substances deleterious to it. While I could not choose nor govern the condition of the body into which I came, I have the responsibility to give it the best care I can, and if I do not I am acting in derogation of a great gift of God.”
--Marion D. Hanks, “For Man is Spirit”

Come to the Temple

"The season of the world before us will be like no other in the history of mankind. Just as this is the dispensation of the fullness of times, so it is also the dispensation of the fullness of evil. There is no safety in the world: wealth cannot provide it, enforcement agencies cannot assure it, membership in this church alone cannot bring it. We must come to the temple for light and safety. There are hosts of unseen sentinels watching over and guarding our temples. There will come a period of time when even the elect will lose hope if they do not come to the temples. They will long to bring their children here for safety's sake. The covenants and ordinances will fill us with faith as a living fire. In a day of desolating sickness, scorched earth, barren wastes, sickening plagues, disease, destruction, and death: we as a people will rest in the shade of trees, we will drink from the cooling fountain. We will abide in places of refuge from the storm, we will mount up as on eagle's wings."
--Vaughn J. Featherstone